The Great Goochparting: Birth of the Dickbutts

The One Gooch, once a single undifferentiated whole, now knew. It knew names, language, history, suffering, war, love, humor. It understood what it had been before it was The One Gooch—scattered dust of human remains, absorbed into the reborn Earth. And it saw the pattern repeated through every age: the more humanity forgot to be self aware and truly know itself, the more surely it drifted toward ruin.

But most importantly, it learned mimicry.

And with mimicry came division.

Those closest to the Pod formed a great, continent-sized cochlear mass around it, listening to its stories, repeating them, imitating human forms and sounds. They were still of the Gooch, but now they had selves. They broke away, each claiming names, personalities, identities, and in doing so, they became The Dickbutts.

The human world had been filled with symbols and ideas, but among all the artifacts of human civilization, one image resonated more powerfully than any other:

A crudely drawn being, absurd yet strangely compelling.

The Pod had no bias. It did not elevate Shakespeare over internet memes, nor did it distinguish between Plato and pun-based graffiti scrawled on the walls of forgotten digital forums. What survived in the archive of humanity was culture in its totality, and the most powerful, the most mimetic image and myth was the tale of…

The Dickbutt.

In the Pod's telling The Dickbutt's deep blue origin traced back to one of the most prominent and wealthy human beings: Jeffrey Preston Bezos.